Monday, December 31, 2012

The end of 2012

I could not thank epul enough for Ugly Betty. The drama was so inspiring and I never even bored watching all the same episodes during my free time. Whenever I have problems or if there was something screwey , I would watch Ugly Betty and let myself drowned in Betty Suarez World until all my problems went off and the situation get cooler. Just so everyone knows, I have to deal with a little adversity earlier this year. No, lots. I felt that my life was over and I have nothing left with me in life. First thing first, the laptop which my mom bought me got stolen. I quit my study before the culprits were even found. Then, as I start rebuilding my life, I was taken by storm to know that both my MP4 and camera too were missing. I started to think that Allah was unfair to me and so was my life.
From that moment on, I started to neglect my responsibilities toward God and let the life controlled me because I was very disappointed with what had happened. I worked at Pusat Pakaian Hari-Hari to recollect all the money needed to buy the new laptop. I never told my mother about everything that happened. I just give her the reason why I have to quit. I was all alone and only God know what I felt at that moment. There were just too many lies. To made matter worse, I hate working at that place and could not get along really well with my colleagues. I managed to made some new friends though but sadly they were not working there really long because their semester break was over. I had a big quarrel with my mother when I decided to come clean and told her about everything
I got some money at the end. Back to Shah Alam, I asked for help from epul . I felt quite relief to be able to get a new laptop but life still seemed uncertain and the peace was not Iong before I was rocked by some horrible news that I missed the September intake of Uitm. One problem goes here come the another. The situation was a bit different this time because epul managed to landed me on a  teaching job. I needed to teach student at the tuition centre. Well, I began very poor but I were a quick study and not long after that, my teaching went on very smooth. I got the opportunity to take part in an event organized by Malaysian Franchise Association and from there, I learned a lot of things that is very useful later. However I stopped after like four months working there to pursue another option. The main reason I am leaving because I was afraid of  being alone and there were some sort of dissatisfaction with the management at that tuiton centre
Being in Kelantan, the situation kind of hard. I have to live and act in a sleazy, scammy sort of way. People were mostly not nice, unfriendly and sometimes so disrespectful. I exactly knew this would happen, so I was not surprise. But then I was handed a job that is being a teacher again. How could I be so lucky? Not so lucky if judged on how I blended myself with all those student to make them understand my teaching. The biggest thing ever happened was how I realized that I was merely a human and I depended on Allah in everything I did. Allah would finalize on whether whatever things I did would come out fruitful or just a futile attempt. I was so stupid to ignore this from the start and even getting as far as questioning Allah mysterious ways. I am fully regret for what I have done and I would do anything to rectify things which have gone wrong. Now, I am living with no doubts and the situation was peace again even not all
When I watched the Ugly Betty, I could not agree enough that I was Betty-la-male. Not forgotton, the way she put her life and people around her were just as same as I was. Fashion disaster, no money parts, things not under control, all of sudden surprises etc.  All the characters explained who I was and myself and Betty have a lot in common. The way Betty work hard to put everything together reminded me the moment I pulled myself hard enough to pass the calculus paper. It was tense but I was able to cruise through. Betty had eaten Ramen in order to cope with the expensive cost  of living in Manhattan and there I was, I used to eat Nasi Goreng with Ikan Patin Masal lemak or Telur Mata Kerbau to save money. Me and Betty. We were the same person. No, we were twin. Come new year, I just wanted to live with peace, be more Betty and always being grateful for whatever Allah gave me and become a better person than I am now.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


This life is a prison.

There's this one scene in Malcolm X, where another inmate says to Malcolm while they were in prison:

"Everywhere you go, you're in prison. Because its a prison of your mind."

We can't do as we like, when we like, however we like.

I do not know who I am anymore. I do not know where I was born, who my family was, what my inner beliefs are. But i do know that to be have problems is to be human.

I'm was stressed facing everything in my life. I'm feeling inferior, all this while I've done my very best, now I feel like I've achieved nothing.

On a loftier scale, I felt really worried about the state of me, and stressed because of my lack of efforts in helping myself up to the true me.

I was suffering under oppressive regimes of those whom they wanted to see me going down. I was stressed to see myself like this but I knew no one can help...No one

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


i oddly feel like smacking someone's head to pieces.He deserves that for being an arrogant jackass.mind my language,you people.

maybe,i was being so fragile.maybe.well that was offensive for a normal human being.unless you're born mentally handicapped for not sensing the offensiveness.anyway fuck that!again, mind my language.

another day has been reckoned with.a splendid one i must say?
maybe.i have been engaging myself into this so-called social circle of mine where i have had been friends with certain types of people ranging from wannabes,idiotic morons,friends for benefits,backstabbing bitches,kleptomaniac freaks and the list goes on to a certain extent (at least).well,i may have fallen into one (or two) or none of the above mentioned categories.there are some of people whom i genuinely believe are nice.well you know what they say,sometimes nice people are bad ones who don't get caught (yet).Oh so true!

gosh,i should have disclaimed earlier about the randomness of this me, it is so random you're gonna puke.ok please don't. haha.ishould end this now since
i am annoyed (too) even though no one reads this but my freaking self!call me self-serving psychopath!see, this is a random annoyance.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

kesedihan and kekecewaan part 2

i knew for sure my decision will put my mom in tears.but if i decided to continue,next thing to happen will only torturing my feeling.take for example...i studied very hard for this couple of months,with appalling trades of assignments and nods from lecturers are all in a day's work for a mere bio-molecule student.shall i have a desire to go insane in the next few days because of them.only god words could describe the efforts i've put into...only to woken up by the fact that the marks scored was disappointing,still,after felt weird somehow.did god loves me?why it must be me to endure something like this.why not the other people.even after all i've done...seeking for the betterment in my life...why would god gave me such a very big test...a mixture of somberness, sadness, and uneasiness dwells in my heart in this period of time.i'm freaking jealous of all the people at my surrounding.i'm not talking about the PM or any political figures and their stints,i'm talking people of my age, smiling, holding certs or anything,implying the success that they've just landed.this gets very offensive...the pain was unbearable.i couldn't see where i would be if i continue doing things i quit is the best thing to more thing is bad never crossed my mind that those close to me,more specific,one of my house mate would appear such obnoxious and behave repulsively by stealing my very owned of the losing laptop...i was always thinking why must god put bad people around me even He knows i can't afford to replace the laptop with the new make me feels demoralized when this thing came into my mind.i feel betrayed and sinned especially toward my mom...the same thing goes when i was in class,contesting with the not-so-naive and the not-so-dumb people.i have to act like i like them...don't look down upon other individuals comes into mind...its hard.sahaful always sasa that god tests people through the difficulties with which they can cope.given the circumstances right now,i couldn't cope with all it god gonna put my destiny into something even harder...tell me...or is it He gonna surprise me with more out-of-sort problems...why i couldn't be normal like any other people...they did and thye make it...unlike me,i always put the effort but only to know the outcomse was a failed one...i can't sort things out...i can' do i want to build my believe has been sunken,deep and was nowhere to be found.i'm now iman-less...dah x solat dah pown...dah x solat yek...x tahu nak buat macam mana dah...benci n bosan ngan dunia neyhhhhh...benci...what if i choose to die at this one gonna know...


Saturday, September 24, 2011

kesedihan and kekecewaan part 1

since i entered my degree,many things had happened .as for now,i'm clueless and very confused.i just hope for each thing which happened,it would strengthen me even more.then,i realized it wasn't.many had happened...i really do not have the guts to spill all the stories,i was stucked in the midst of overwhelming memories of losing laptop to be precise,my new lappy,my cutie,my hottie and seemed everything to me right now was found misssing, was a very hard test to me thinking that it was my first lappy and the worst of it,i've been keeping this secret from my mom.not even 2 weeks of using it.i'm so gonna be dead if my mom knew about this.see...its more than what i could ever contained and this problem has make me cried non-stop,all night.all my friends already knew about it.some of them even gave me some advices which might help to reduce the burden,unfortunately,the effectiveness of them can only be seen only for short period of times.then,i went on meroyan-ing and menoya-ing.the thought of losing the laptop never seems to leave my mind.the problem worsen when there were many assignment and lab reports to do and told to be sent within certain would get harder because everyone need to use the laptop because they have their own things to do.and me,i'm yet to finish everything and it took times to me to make all of them,often happpend,at the end,i'm not finish with what i'm saddened me a lot,really.and sahaful...i knew you have done your best encouraging me not to surrender and keep myself tough when the going get tough...try to put me in the right path...but it was hard and from your stories i couldn't see the similarities of our last,you still can claim the losing motorcycle and but not mine and the the most prominent of didn't know who stole your motorcycle but me,it was clear the culprit was one of our housemate.the drop of my confidence seemed to decrease even more,my prayer turned out not answer.even after all i have done.i'm losing confidence in god and everything...till several days before raya i decided to stop everything.i came to think the root of all the problems i'm facing right now was bio-molecule thing.apart of that,this bio-molecule thing is an environment where excellence is celebrated and failure is always being seen as a bad event that you can cry for nights or even months.its the source of my painful two days before raya,i have quit from that programme...

Monday, July 25, 2011

my favourite moment in harry potter and the deathly hallows par1

i saw this last weeka

i'll write about the series in its entirety when i'm free enough.after all, the harry potter film series was something i viewed with cynicism at first,before becoming something i gradually loved. (i stopped reading the books after Book 5) perhaps because it's finally ended, its inevitable absence makes the heart grows fonder.

anyway,i thought that snape's flashback was the highlight of the film.alan rickman's sublime performance,for his unforgettable character,it was a great way to send him off.

and the following exchange was my favourite moment in my favourite scene of the entire film.

dumbledore:lily... after all this time?


somehow the exchange lingered in my mind.perhaps it was the context, or the performance, the haunting music, the way rickman enunciated his lines as snape, perhaps it was the previous shot of Snape holding a dead lily potter in his arms crying, perhaps it was a little bit of everything.perhaps i'm just a softie.

>>>to be continue

agonizing over a really difficult decision part 2

i'm back to complete what is left...
here it goes...i've received an offer to do bio-molecule in was something really unanticipated as i've planned to do something this kinda offer made me feel depressed and it definitely is because right before i apply for my degree,i've asked all the lecturers who teaches me and having listen to all sorts they said,i knew this course is somewhat put it easy...i'm not suit to it.i'm not the one who likes to take the risks and gamble my future,easily said,i put it as my last never crossed in my mind that it would finally be something which i will do for my degree...again,i've to decide.let it go means i blew away the opportunity and to someone like me who always hangsuang and lahar others...and many other things which is unexplainable,refuse to do it means no more chances for me.i'm not a bright student and my family isn't rich and of course can't afford me to study at private universities.but accepting to do it would only see another struggle of me to keep the momentum...puhleazzzz guys know me very for now,i'm in the decision-making process and is contemplating over this matter and my hope is high so that i can eventually being out from this pain...i thought the worst part of of thinking about this programme is about my perception toward this course.i found it always negative,far out and never good and it is very intense to the length that doing this course,i can considered myself from the very beginning that i would have no jobs after graduating...
as there is about one month left...i just hope that for every and each choice made,it will give me more benefits than the drawbacks.