I am getting old. I can feel it in my bones. Since I reached my prime age of 21, I can feel myself deteriorating slowly but surely. Now at 22, everything in me is slowing down. When I was younger, I didn't have to do anything specific to keep fit. I was just naturally fit. Now, I have to freaking exercise!

Exercise, as in cardio and weights. And every time I exercise, I am reminded of the certainty of death. That state of mind will then manifest into a semi-conscious mental experience of dying. You know; weakening of nerves, blurring of vision and kapooots: darkness. Scary.

In a nutshell every time I exercise, I am reminded of the grimness of vacuum in-existence. But when I don't exercise, I can literally feel death closing in on me faster. So it is no wonder that whenever I finish a routine, I will cast a sinister look.

The thought of death is just so mind-boggling that I can't wrap my mind around it. My whole existence will cease to exist and I will feel no pain, bliss, hope, love, facebook, lust, nothing!

This concludes my thoughts after today's 2 hours exercise routine. Sekian.

tension!!!

this semester,i've vowed to myself that i wouldn't waste my time for stupid things again and only thinking about study.i really want to change.i don't want to stuck for another year in jengka.it is because it is so hard and painful.there were several challenges which i have to face earlier when i came to the university this year.well...it had expected and i didn't mind it.then,here it goes...me,myself continuing my another year of my diploma here.i need to admit that it was very unpleasant to hear everyone keep whispering about myself and to see the weird faces of the other students when they saw me or bumped into me...sometimes it can get even very annoying as it was because some of them were teasing me..there were sometimes when i was about to cry but still,i could hold myself by not bursting into tears at that moment...thank God...i started to feel better now and i have became adapted to this environment...this week,everything seem to go as what it was supposed to be.my happy feet dances madly and i couldn't agree it more that i haven't feel like this for years until i heard something...at first,i just couldn't believed what i heard...arghhh...yes,there are no big things to them but for me,it was kind of pathetic if they see me here and knowing that i'm now at part 7...it is actually not something big but it would be big because of my status...

it is...

JACK and JOE is coming!!!

they haven't been here for so long.last year i was informed that joe has been chosen to represent UiTM in royal debate.he indeed made it to senior team which is no debaters from jengka has made such history before.so it would be a big story-telling session when they came here.to put it simply,our relationship was not in the good term for quite sometimes.it was because of the debate whereas we often disagree on one another over most of the things.be it the committee of debate which has been elected or the team that has been chosen or the debate which was held,we never agree on anything that had made.the situation always go worsen every time when both of us discussing to look any ideas with another members and it ended-up that he were forced to accept whatever i think it best for the debate club.

JACK=i do not know to xplain....anything about him comprises too much stories.partly.i didn't feel i like to let her story being told to everybody.if u still want to know,dig it up by yourself

from what i can tell,both of them really got on my nerves.i feel really uncomfortable.maybe it is very much due to their position as my seniors.seemed that i've to hide somewhere to prevent them know what i'm doing right now.i've already thought about that and i think i want to stay at che sam's house or habil's room.we would see me not going anywhere for 4 days till they finally returned to shah alam...OMG...it is hard...

end with that thing....well,for now,it was the only issue that has caused me disturbance...apart from that...everything were under control...ok la...that's all

p/s:x sabar nak dgr cter joe drp bdk2 nih...

This is crap.

(no really, it is) - I didn't want to publish this but it's been so long since I've publish anything so what the heck.

Someone once told me that-

to get over writing block, you just have to start writing something.

Anything that can get the juices flowing, even if it's pure garbage.

And so I guess I need this

because as of right now

my think tank's empty. boo-hoo.

So I'm gonna go freestyle - just write whatever i want

Sketch

It's been so long since i've typed for no reason.

Maybe sometimes I want it to be so good that I forget to write

carelessly

with heart

without thinking

less cerebral

more emotional

I think that's the only way I can go

ya'know?

I've tried being disciplined and forcing myself to write

and the result was just yuck

maybe i need to mature more

as a writer

and as a person

before that can work on me

This, writing by myself

in the middle of the night

when no one is watching

except maybe the mosquitoes that are making a meal out of me

this is how writing's supposed to be

it's most real when it's spontaneous

when you just type whatever

and let it all out

without fear of

judgements or typos or punctuation marks

or whether this is boring or stupid or smart

because the best writings are about what's real, true

some that just touch you

in simple but magnificent ways

see, i stopped just there because i couldn't come up with another adjective

so anyways life-

how's mine, how's life treating me?

hmm

so far life has been typical

with its typical ups and downs

and my typical phases of accepting it

and complaining about it

over and over again

why bother getting into details?

it's always a wheel that never stops

a keynesian curve

boom/trough period that goes to infinity

it's like karma

what goes up must come down theory

which i always believe in

because i think the universe

(oh no here she goes again about the universe thingy)

because the universe will always find ways

to balance itself out

so if you're too happy

then you deserve to be too sad

and if something good happens to you

something bad will happen afterwards

it's nothing personal, i think it's just the way the world works

they give you something and they take something away from you

as an exchange

because maybe they want to remind you just how small you really are

how such a puny, annoying little human you are

and you simply can't have everything

because that's not fair

because they know that even when humans have "everything" they seem to want less, and when they have less they seem to want more

so basically there is no such thing as humans having everything

because they can never be thankful enough to see that sometimes,

they already DO have everything

stupid humans

and I'm stuck here being a stupid human who wastes her time writing crap because that's what i need right now

i need to fall in love with writing again

i need to remember how it felt meeting writing for the first time

how it feels right now being with writing

because writing needs some work and attention too

because despite how writing sometimes tortures me

writing makes me happy in ways nothing else can

They say your first love will always be perfect -until you meet your second

and it's true - funny how cliches can be so true

but so annoyingly overused and ostentatious

funny as well, how that saying can be applied to many things

My first love was drawing and now my second is writing

and writing fulfills me better now

compared to drawing

maybe it's me who's changed into a different person

and we need different things in different periods of our life

so we mix and match

drawing used to be everything to me

but now all I want to do is write

I'd be happy if i could just finish ONE of my stories

but it seems I never can.

And it's funny sometimes how

i don't even know myself

i look in the mirror and sometimes i don't recognise

that weird woman

but then sometimes i'm so sure

i'm this, this and this

and then i trip back again and wonder what the hell am I doing

slap me slap me somebody please slap me

I wonder how long this will last-

this unsureness, uncertainty

when will i finally become

me

this thing I'm supposed to be

when will i stop changing?

and arrive to that point where i just, know

you know?

Where I'm just sure of who I am?

And so i ask questions like these

knowing very well that nobody can answer them

because this quest of finding yourself

soul searching

being a person, an individual, unique

(lord knows it's hard with 6 billion other people on the planet)

is maybe something that we'll never stop doing

all our lives

and at times like these

when the nights are so still and you can see how deep the sky is

that sometimes you wish

someone was there

who would care enough

to be with you and listen

to everything you have in your mind

and not care

if you start talking crap

just because

they love you that much.

yesterday, as soon as i reached home after class and dinner, i got a call from an unknown number. the moment i heard the voice from the receiver, i knew who it was.. and i was stunned that the person even called.

it was someone i dated a while.. the relationship was not publicized since it was for a short while and we both intended to make it private. unfortunately it lasted only a few weeks. i caught him cheating on me. and that was the deal breaker for me.

so he called and we talked a little.. and in the middle of the conversation he asked me to get back together. out of nowhere. its like you ate a chocolate and suddenly theres a mint chocolate filling come bursting in your mouth, its not pleasant..

it took me off my elements for a while, but i just said one thing.. "gimme time to think about it"

when i asked him why? he said it is his new year's resolution to make things right with me.. well at least someone is acting on their reso!

as a matter of fact there were nothing to think about. he cheated on me once and he might do it again.. and i dare not take the chance..

at that very instantaneous moment i knew what my decision was..

but after that, it suddenly came to a realization what if i was suppose to give him a second chance? maybe it was destined to be.. why in hell am i still single? and at least he made the effort of calling me and wanting to work things out..

but again, the weight between the possibilities that we hold and the pain that he caused, it is just not worth it. and ill be so hypocritical of me to not practice what ive preached.

haish.. what a life.. in case any of u are still wondering (and i hope theres at least a single soul is) YES, i am still single!

not at the right state of mind

yes, i didn't really walk the talk :-(
i thought of managing myself into writing / jotting down few notes on this blog on daily basis...but it's just a mere coincidence that i didn't really have the guts to continue (and sustain..)


well...an "interesting" thing happened to me during diwali weekend.

as usual, for the past few months, i was so tied up with assignments,test,exams (i know it sounds boring...but well, yes...it's been very crazy nowadays, studying non stop...to the extend that i feel i'm speechless (and expressionless).

"he came back. yes, we didn't really have a proper relationship but i still do have feelings on him. But why it's like that famous cookie "skejap takde skejap ada?" whenever that he has problem then he'll come back to me? but this time i've also making my own vows, in which one of them is that i'll try my best to love and to be loved only by a women...hopefully it wasn't just a dream like what i did during my old days...i want it to be different....i want to change

apart from that, i got two more papers to be finished.both of them is hard and i knew it would be even more harder because my carry mark for both of that paper is not really good.so i gonna crackle my head studying all the notes and give whatever i have to excel...insya allah

grass is green..n flowers are rainbow..but human..we're dark as the black hole

LIFE IS NOT A GIVE...

what a long time to start writing again..i do need to do this more often..pretty much,i got the thing..but not the time..a new chapter of life begin lately.with a life full of kind of stupid drama.well.its what i planned for.to be stuck in a portal full with BACK-stabber and people who wont be easy on you.yes,there are people WHO love you and care but put them aside.the marginal number of FAKER are rapidly increasing lately... hey,face it..you hate me,deal with it.i wont let you step me just like that..i might be an easy guy around but sister believe me..im TOUGH-TO-handle..

i looked around to see how things going..oh no!!! alert i guess... People are being to honest about themselves lately.. i LOVE u..this pretty much what i like to say..i mean , i do like to fall in love since its fun..but to give it to a wrong person..tats crazy ryte? because i found that some people dont mind but others care too much.. to love another of your own kind wont make you gay,, please..please learn that as a lesson... its not bad to like people...ITS JUST LIKING THEmmmmmm...just don't go overboard...coz we r men n we r suppose to marry women

recently,,,i also found out that..its better to be good with a stranger..they will love you better..yes..i can confirm you that..i mean..dont pick a totally Fucking-stranger..its more like a well-build-image kinda guy..you know..the one who can be fren with... its a step to NEW friendship...

mental note.. : dont be A total LOSER by being hippo-critical about who u are., :)

what i feel from my heart

i'm back!!!

well nowadays those who read this blog may notice that i started to blog out more and more this days...it's quite peculiar as back then i only do blogging when there is something i really need to tell...but now it has change.

maybe, it was because my life was boring and i couldn't find anything to fit myself in...is it so???...

those who read this writing, i'm sure that they might say it otherwise and those who didn't even know me and suddenly bumped into this blog and read this posting, i'm sure that they would say it different or maybe, they would even say that my life is compelling....if you are that person or any kind of it then you are wrong...

actually, my life is dull, numb and it is not like what you had in mind when you saw me or befriended with me..

the question is why...

the truth is i'm unpredictable, my feeling is unpredictable, my action is unpredictable and for every and each crap which came from me, it is spontaneous. but despite all that weaknesses, i still can sense the kindness and sincerity of a person. dealing with people with such character,i found out that they are more easy to get along with in fact they always make me feel very calm each time i'm with them though some of them is actually nerd or some kind of character people are not really fond or prefer...sadly,there is only a few of them.not much.i can count them by fingers.

there and then,there is this kind of people...the character that i hated most. they are evil people.precisely,they are some kinda people that like to make other people looked stupid. they sometimes could be even more mean likes ticking off the other people all of sudden or for unacceptable reason...

if it happened that u r coincidentally read this blog one day, you might able to guess who they are.

also,of late,i became to realize something important...

we actually living in this world with certain particular desires that we want to be satisfied.maybe we lived to play,to have some friend whom we can share our problems with,study to get an A to not be shamed in class,to be strong,to chased the man or woman that you want to be the partner of your life,to be man of the match,to walk arrogantly,to wear smart clothes,stuck inside tight or baggy trousers,these might be one of the objective in your life Meaning objective here, is that things that you want at least to achieved so that you will experience your personal gratification gleefully.

...but when you have grown up, you tend to view this world differently you are more clear in outlining the purpose of you living in this world not just breathing the air,do whatever you want and that is it,nothing more to life.The way of you speaking with others,the language that you use, differed,and your intellectual thinking has been more critical.These represents that your level of maturity has increased and evolved.but we can also go into the wrong direction if we just let go what we got and never got them controlled.we have to make something useful out of it

that is what we supposed to do in life...and that is life...

apart from that as a rememberance,not only to those who will real this posting but also to myself.it is;

befriending with everyone and never degrade anyone.