I am getting old. I can feel it in my bones. Since I reached my prime age of 21, I can feel myself deteriorating slowly but surely. Now at 22, everything in me is slowing down. When I was younger, I didn't have to do anything specific to keep fit. I was just naturally fit. Now, I have to freaking exercise!

Exercise, as in cardio and weights. And every time I exercise, I am reminded of the certainty of death. That state of mind will then manifest into a semi-conscious mental experience of dying. You know; weakening of nerves, blurring of vision and kapooots: darkness. Scary.

In a nutshell every time I exercise, I am reminded of the grimness of vacuum in-existence. But when I don't exercise, I can literally feel death closing in on me faster. So it is no wonder that whenever I finish a routine, I will cast a sinister look.

The thought of death is just so mind-boggling that I can't wrap my mind around it. My whole existence will cease to exist and I will feel no pain, bliss, hope, love, facebook, lust, nothing!

This concludes my thoughts after today's 2 hours exercise routine. Sekian.

tension!!!

this semester,i've vowed to myself that i wouldn't waste my time for stupid things again and only thinking about study.i really want to change.i don't want to stuck for another year in jengka.it is because it is so hard and painful.there were several challenges which i have to face earlier when i came to the university this year.well...it had expected and i didn't mind it.then,here it goes...me,myself continuing my another year of my diploma here.i need to admit that it was very unpleasant to hear everyone keep whispering about myself and to see the weird faces of the other students when they saw me or bumped into me...sometimes it can get even very annoying as it was because some of them were teasing me..there were sometimes when i was about to cry but still,i could hold myself by not bursting into tears at that moment...thank God...i started to feel better now and i have became adapted to this environment...this week,everything seem to go as what it was supposed to be.my happy feet dances madly and i couldn't agree it more that i haven't feel like this for years until i heard something...at first,i just couldn't believed what i heard...arghhh...yes,there are no big things to them but for me,it was kind of pathetic if they see me here and knowing that i'm now at part 7...it is actually not something big but it would be big because of my status...

it is...

JACK and JOE is coming!!!

they haven't been here for so long.last year i was informed that joe has been chosen to represent UiTM in royal debate.he indeed made it to senior team which is no debaters from jengka has made such history before.so it would be a big story-telling session when they came here.to put it simply,our relationship was not in the good term for quite sometimes.it was because of the debate whereas we often disagree on one another over most of the things.be it the committee of debate which has been elected or the team that has been chosen or the debate which was held,we never agree on anything that had made.the situation always go worsen every time when both of us discussing to look any ideas with another members and it ended-up that he were forced to accept whatever i think it best for the debate club.

JACK=i do not know to xplain....anything about him comprises too much stories.partly.i didn't feel i like to let her story being told to everybody.if u still want to know,dig it up by yourself

from what i can tell,both of them really got on my nerves.i feel really uncomfortable.maybe it is very much due to their position as my seniors.seemed that i've to hide somewhere to prevent them know what i'm doing right now.i've already thought about that and i think i want to stay at che sam's house or habil's room.we would see me not going anywhere for 4 days till they finally returned to shah alam...OMG...it is hard...

end with that thing....well,for now,it was the only issue that has caused me disturbance...apart from that...everything were under control...ok la...that's all

p/s:x sabar nak dgr cter joe drp bdk2 nih...

This is crap.

(no really, it is) - I didn't want to publish this but it's been so long since I've publish anything so what the heck.

Someone once told me that-

to get over writing block, you just have to start writing something.

Anything that can get the juices flowing, even if it's pure garbage.

And so I guess I need this

because as of right now

my think tank's empty. boo-hoo.

So I'm gonna go freestyle - just write whatever i want

Sketch

It's been so long since i've typed for no reason.

Maybe sometimes I want it to be so good that I forget to write

carelessly

with heart

without thinking

less cerebral

more emotional

I think that's the only way I can go

ya'know?

I've tried being disciplined and forcing myself to write

and the result was just yuck

maybe i need to mature more

as a writer

and as a person

before that can work on me

This, writing by myself

in the middle of the night

when no one is watching

except maybe the mosquitoes that are making a meal out of me

this is how writing's supposed to be

it's most real when it's spontaneous

when you just type whatever

and let it all out

without fear of

judgements or typos or punctuation marks

or whether this is boring or stupid or smart

because the best writings are about what's real, true

some that just touch you

in simple but magnificent ways

see, i stopped just there because i couldn't come up with another adjective

so anyways life-

how's mine, how's life treating me?

hmm

so far life has been typical

with its typical ups and downs

and my typical phases of accepting it

and complaining about it

over and over again

why bother getting into details?

it's always a wheel that never stops

a keynesian curve

boom/trough period that goes to infinity

it's like karma

what goes up must come down theory

which i always believe in

because i think the universe

(oh no here she goes again about the universe thingy)

because the universe will always find ways

to balance itself out

so if you're too happy

then you deserve to be too sad

and if something good happens to you

something bad will happen afterwards

it's nothing personal, i think it's just the way the world works

they give you something and they take something away from you

as an exchange

because maybe they want to remind you just how small you really are

how such a puny, annoying little human you are

and you simply can't have everything

because that's not fair

because they know that even when humans have "everything" they seem to want less, and when they have less they seem to want more

so basically there is no such thing as humans having everything

because they can never be thankful enough to see that sometimes,

they already DO have everything

stupid humans

and I'm stuck here being a stupid human who wastes her time writing crap because that's what i need right now

i need to fall in love with writing again

i need to remember how it felt meeting writing for the first time

how it feels right now being with writing

because writing needs some work and attention too

because despite how writing sometimes tortures me

writing makes me happy in ways nothing else can

They say your first love will always be perfect -until you meet your second

and it's true - funny how cliches can be so true

but so annoyingly overused and ostentatious

funny as well, how that saying can be applied to many things

My first love was drawing and now my second is writing

and writing fulfills me better now

compared to drawing

maybe it's me who's changed into a different person

and we need different things in different periods of our life

so we mix and match

drawing used to be everything to me

but now all I want to do is write

I'd be happy if i could just finish ONE of my stories

but it seems I never can.

And it's funny sometimes how

i don't even know myself

i look in the mirror and sometimes i don't recognise

that weird woman

but then sometimes i'm so sure

i'm this, this and this

and then i trip back again and wonder what the hell am I doing

slap me slap me somebody please slap me

I wonder how long this will last-

this unsureness, uncertainty

when will i finally become

me

this thing I'm supposed to be

when will i stop changing?

and arrive to that point where i just, know

you know?

Where I'm just sure of who I am?

And so i ask questions like these

knowing very well that nobody can answer them

because this quest of finding yourself

soul searching

being a person, an individual, unique

(lord knows it's hard with 6 billion other people on the planet)

is maybe something that we'll never stop doing

all our lives

and at times like these

when the nights are so still and you can see how deep the sky is

that sometimes you wish

someone was there

who would care enough

to be with you and listen

to everything you have in your mind

and not care

if you start talking crap

just because

they love you that much.

yesterday, as soon as i reached home after class and dinner, i got a call from an unknown number. the moment i heard the voice from the receiver, i knew who it was.. and i was stunned that the person even called.

it was someone i dated a while.. the relationship was not publicized since it was for a short while and we both intended to make it private. unfortunately it lasted only a few weeks. i caught him cheating on me. and that was the deal breaker for me.

so he called and we talked a little.. and in the middle of the conversation he asked me to get back together. out of nowhere. its like you ate a chocolate and suddenly theres a mint chocolate filling come bursting in your mouth, its not pleasant..

it took me off my elements for a while, but i just said one thing.. "gimme time to think about it"

when i asked him why? he said it is his new year's resolution to make things right with me.. well at least someone is acting on their reso!

as a matter of fact there were nothing to think about. he cheated on me once and he might do it again.. and i dare not take the chance..

at that very instantaneous moment i knew what my decision was..

but after that, it suddenly came to a realization what if i was suppose to give him a second chance? maybe it was destined to be.. why in hell am i still single? and at least he made the effort of calling me and wanting to work things out..

but again, the weight between the possibilities that we hold and the pain that he caused, it is just not worth it. and ill be so hypocritical of me to not practice what ive preached.

haish.. what a life.. in case any of u are still wondering (and i hope theres at least a single soul is) YES, i am still single!