Saturday, January 15, 2011

This is crap.
(no really, it is) - I didn't want to publish this but it's been so long since I've publish anything so what the heck.

Someone once told me that-
to get over writing block, you just have to start writing something.
Anything that can get the juices flowing, even if it's pure garbage.
And so I guess I need this
because as of right now
my think tank's empty. boo-hoo.
So I'm gonna go freestyle - just write whatever i want

It's been so long since i've typed for no reason.
Maybe sometimes I want it to be so good that I forget to write
with heart
without thinking
less cerebral
more emotional
I think that's the only way I can go
I've tried being disciplined and forcing myself to write
and the result was just yuck
maybe i need to mature more
as a writer
and as a person
before that can work on me
This, writing by myself
in the middle of the night
when no one is watching
except maybe the mosquitoes that are making a meal out of me
this is how writing's supposed to be
it's most real when it's spontaneous
when you just type whatever
and let it all out
without fear of
judgements or typos or punctuation marks
or whether this is boring or stupid or smart
because the best writings are about what's real, true
some that just touch you
in simple but magnificent ways
see, i stopped just there because i couldn't come up with another adjective
so anyways life-
how's mine, how's life treating me?
so far life has been typical
with its typical ups and downs
and my typical phases of accepting it
and complaining about it
over and over again
why bother getting into details?
it's always a wheel that never stops
a keynesian curve
boom/trough period that goes to infinity
it's like karma
what goes up must come down theory
which i always believe in
because i think the universe
(oh no here she goes again about the universe thingy)
because the universe will always find ways
to balance itself out
so if you're too happy
then you deserve to be too sad
and if something good happens to you
something bad will happen afterwards
it's nothing personal, i think it's just the way the world works
they give you something and they take something away from you
as an exchange
because maybe they want to remind you just how small you really are
how such a puny, annoying little human you are
and you simply can't have everything
because that's not fair
because they know that even when humans have "everything" they seem to want less, and when they have less they seem to want more
so basically there is no such thing as humans having everything
because they can never be thankful enough to see that sometimes,
they already DO have everything
stupid humans
and I'm stuck here being a stupid human who wastes her time writing crap because that's what i need right now
i need to fall in love with writing again
i need to remember how it felt meeting writing for the first time
how it feels right now being with writing
because writing needs some work and attention too
because despite how writing sometimes tortures me
writing makes me happy in ways nothing else can
They say your first love will always be perfect -until you meet your second
and it's true - funny how cliches can be so true
but so annoyingly overused and ostentatious
funny as well, how that saying can be applied to many things
My first love was drawing and now my second is writing
and writing fulfills me better now
compared to drawing
maybe it's me who's changed into a different person
and we need different things in different periods of our life
so we mix and match
drawing used to be everything to me
but now all I want to do is write
I'd be happy if i could just finish ONE of my stories
but it seems I never can.

And it's funny sometimes how
i don't even know myself
i look in the mirror and sometimes i don't recognise
that weird woman
but then sometimes i'm so sure
i'm this, this and this
and then i trip back again and wonder what the hell am I doing
slap me slap me somebody please slap me
I wonder how long this will last-
this unsureness, uncertainty
when will i finally become
this thing I'm supposed to be
when will i stop changing?
and arrive to that point where i just, know
you know?
Where I'm just sure of who I am?
And so i ask questions like these
knowing very well that nobody can answer them
because this quest of finding yourself
soul searching
being a person, an individual, unique
(lord knows it's hard with 6 billion other people on the planet)
is maybe something that we'll never stop doing
all our lives

and at times like these
when the nights are so still and you can see how deep the sky is
that sometimes you wish
someone was there
who would care enough
to be with you and listen
to everything you have in your mind
and not care
if you start talking crap
just because
they love you that much.

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