This is crap.

(no really, it is) - I didn't want to publish this but it's been so long since I've publish anything so what the heck.

Someone once told me that-

to get over writing block, you just have to start writing something.

Anything that can get the juices flowing, even if it's pure garbage.

And so I guess I need this

because as of right now

my think tank's empty. boo-hoo.

So I'm gonna go freestyle - just write whatever i want

Sketch

It's been so long since i've typed for no reason.

Maybe sometimes I want it to be so good that I forget to write

carelessly

with heart

without thinking

less cerebral

more emotional

I think that's the only way I can go

ya'know?

I've tried being disciplined and forcing myself to write

and the result was just yuck

maybe i need to mature more

as a writer

and as a person

before that can work on me

This, writing by myself

in the middle of the night

when no one is watching

except maybe the mosquitoes that are making a meal out of me

this is how writing's supposed to be

it's most real when it's spontaneous

when you just type whatever

and let it all out

without fear of

judgements or typos or punctuation marks

or whether this is boring or stupid or smart

because the best writings are about what's real, true

some that just touch you

in simple but magnificent ways

see, i stopped just there because i couldn't come up with another adjective

so anyways life-

how's mine, how's life treating me?

hmm

so far life has been typical

with its typical ups and downs

and my typical phases of accepting it

and complaining about it

over and over again

why bother getting into details?

it's always a wheel that never stops

a keynesian curve

boom/trough period that goes to infinity

it's like karma

what goes up must come down theory

which i always believe in

because i think the universe

(oh no here she goes again about the universe thingy)

because the universe will always find ways

to balance itself out

so if you're too happy

then you deserve to be too sad

and if something good happens to you

something bad will happen afterwards

it's nothing personal, i think it's just the way the world works

they give you something and they take something away from you

as an exchange

because maybe they want to remind you just how small you really are

how such a puny, annoying little human you are

and you simply can't have everything

because that's not fair

because they know that even when humans have "everything" they seem to want less, and when they have less they seem to want more

so basically there is no such thing as humans having everything

because they can never be thankful enough to see that sometimes,

they already DO have everything

stupid humans

and I'm stuck here being a stupid human who wastes her time writing crap because that's what i need right now

i need to fall in love with writing again

i need to remember how it felt meeting writing for the first time

how it feels right now being with writing

because writing needs some work and attention too

because despite how writing sometimes tortures me

writing makes me happy in ways nothing else can

They say your first love will always be perfect -until you meet your second

and it's true - funny how cliches can be so true

but so annoyingly overused and ostentatious

funny as well, how that saying can be applied to many things

My first love was drawing and now my second is writing

and writing fulfills me better now

compared to drawing

maybe it's me who's changed into a different person

and we need different things in different periods of our life

so we mix and match

drawing used to be everything to me

but now all I want to do is write

I'd be happy if i could just finish ONE of my stories

but it seems I never can.

And it's funny sometimes how

i don't even know myself

i look in the mirror and sometimes i don't recognise

that weird woman

but then sometimes i'm so sure

i'm this, this and this

and then i trip back again and wonder what the hell am I doing

slap me slap me somebody please slap me

I wonder how long this will last-

this unsureness, uncertainty

when will i finally become

me

this thing I'm supposed to be

when will i stop changing?

and arrive to that point where i just, know

you know?

Where I'm just sure of who I am?

And so i ask questions like these

knowing very well that nobody can answer them

because this quest of finding yourself

soul searching

being a person, an individual, unique

(lord knows it's hard with 6 billion other people on the planet)

is maybe something that we'll never stop doing

all our lives

and at times like these

when the nights are so still and you can see how deep the sky is

that sometimes you wish

someone was there

who would care enough

to be with you and listen

to everything you have in your mind

and not care

if you start talking crap

just because

they love you that much.