Rambling...

This life is a prison.

There's this one scene in Malcolm X, where another inmate says to Malcolm while they were in prison:

"Everywhere you go, you're in prison. Because its a prison of your mind."

We can't do as we like, when we like, however we like.

I do not know who I am anymore. I do not know where I was born, who my family was, what my inner beliefs are. But i do know that to be have problems is to be human.

I'm was stressed facing everything in my life. I'm feeling inferior, all this while I've done my very best, now I feel like I've achieved nothing.

On a loftier scale, I felt really worried about the state of me, and stressed because of my lack of efforts in helping myself up to the true me.

I was suffering under oppressive regimes of those whom they wanted to see me going down. I was stressed to see myself like this but I knew no one can help...No one

finally...

i oddly feel like smacking someone's head to pieces.He deserves that for being an arrogant jackass.mind my language,you people.

maybe,i was being so fragile.maybe.well that was offensive for a normal human being.unless you're born mentally handicapped for not sensing the offensiveness.anyway fuck that!again, mind my language.

another day has been reckoned with.a splendid one i must say?
maybe.i have been engaging myself into this so-called social circle of mine where i have had been friends with certain types of people ranging from wannabes,idiotic morons,friends for benefits,backstabbing bitches,kleptomaniac freaks and the list goes on to a certain extent (at least).well,i may have fallen into one (or two) or none of the above mentioned categories.there are some of people whom i genuinely believe are nice.well you know what they say,sometimes nice people are bad ones who don't get caught (yet).Oh so true!

gosh,i should have disclaimed earlier about the randomness of this entry.trust me, it is so random you're gonna puke.ok please don't. haha.ishould end this now since
i am annoyed (too) even though no one reads this but my freaking self!call me self-serving psychopath!see, this is a random annoyance.

kesedihan and kekecewaan part 2

i knew for sure my decision will put my mom in tears.but if i decided to continue,next thing to happen will only torturing my feeling.take for example...i studied very hard for this couple of months,with appalling trades of assignments and nods from lecturers are all in a day's work for a mere bio-molecule student.shall i have a desire to go insane in the next few days because of them.only god knows...no words could describe the efforts i've put into...only to woken up by the fact that the marks scored was disappointing,still,after all.it felt weird somehow.did god loves me?why it must be me to endure something like this.why not the other people.even after all i've done...seeking for the betterment in my life...why would god gave me such a very big test...a mixture of somberness, sadness, and uneasiness dwells in my heart in this period of time.i'm freaking jealous of all the people at my surrounding.i'm not talking about the PM or any political figures and their stints,i'm talking people of my age, smiling, holding certs or anything,implying the success that they've just landed.this gets very offensive...the pain was unbearable.i couldn't see where i would be if i continue doing things i dislike...to quit is the best thing to do...one more thing is bad people.it never crossed my mind that those close to me,more specific,one of my house mate would appear such obnoxious and behave repulsively by stealing my very owned laptop.post of the losing laptop...i was always thinking why must god put bad people around me even He knows i can't afford to replace the laptop with the new one...it make me feels demoralized when this thing came into my mind.i feel betrayed and sinned especially toward my mom...the same thing goes when i was in class,contesting with the not-so-naive and the not-so-dumb people.i have to act like i like them...don't look down upon other individuals comes into mind...its hard.sahaful always sasa that god tests people through the difficulties with which they can cope.given the circumstances right now,i couldn't cope with all this...so how...is it god gonna put my destiny into something even harder...tell me...or is it He gonna surprise me with more out-of-sort problems...why i couldn't be normal like any other people...they did and thye make it...unlike me,i always put the effort but only to know the outcomse was a failed one...i can't sort things out...i can't.how do i want to build my believe again...it has been sunken,deep and was nowhere to be found.i'm now iman-less...dah x solat dah pown...dah x solat yek...x tahu nak buat macam mana dah...benci n bosan ngan dunia neyhhhhh...benci...what if i choose to die at this moment...no one gonna know...

p/s:continue>>>

kesedihan and kekecewaan part 1

since i entered my degree,many things had happened .as for now,i'm clueless and very confused.i just hope for each thing which happened,it would strengthen me even more.then,i realized it wasn't.many had happened...i really do not have the guts to spill all the stories out.plus,i was stucked in the midst of overwhelming memories of losing things.my laptop to be precise,my new lappy,my cutie,my hottie and seemed everything to me right now was found misssing,suddenly...omg...it was a very hard test to me thinking that it was my first lappy and the worst of it,i've been keeping this secret from my mom.not even 2 weeks of using it.i'm so gonna be dead if my mom knew about this.see...its more than what i could ever contained and this problem has make me cried non-stop,all night.all my friends already knew about it.some of them even gave me some advices which might help to reduce the burden,unfortunately,the effectiveness of them can only be seen only for short period of times.then,i went on meroyan-ing and menoya-ing.the thought of losing the laptop never seems to leave my mind.the problem worsen when there were many assignment and lab reports to do and told to be sent within certain deadlines.it would get harder because everyone need to use the laptop because they have their own things to do.and me,i'm yet to finish everything and it took times to me to make all of them,often happpend,at the end,i'm not finish with what i'm doing.it saddened me a lot,really.and sahaful...i knew you have done your best encouraging me not to surrender and keep myself tough when the going get tough...try to put me in the right path...but it was hard and from your stories i couldn't see the similarities of our story...at last,you still can claim the losing motorcycle and but not mine and the the most prominent of all...you didn't know who stole your motorcycle but me,it was clear the culprit was one of our housemate.the drop of my confidence seemed to decrease even more,my prayer turned out not answer.even after all i have done.i'm losing confidence in god and everything...till several days before raya i decided to stop everything.i came to think the root of all the problems i'm facing right now was bio-molecule thing.apart of that,this bio-molecule thing is an environment where excellence is celebrated and failure is always being seen as a bad event that you can cry for nights or even months.its the source of my painful memories.so two days before raya,i have quit from that programme...
p/s:continue>>>

my favourite moment in harry potter and the deathly hallows par1

i saw this last weeka

i'll write about the series in its entirety when i'm free enough.after all, the harry potter film series was something i viewed with cynicism at first,before becoming something i gradually loved. (i stopped reading the books after Book 5) perhaps because it's finally ended, its inevitable absence makes the heart grows fonder.

anyway,i thought that snape's flashback was the highlight of the film.alan rickman's sublime performance,for his unforgettable character,it was a great way to send him off.

and the following exchange was my favourite moment in my favourite scene of the entire film.

dumbledore:lily... after all this time?

snape:always.

somehow the exchange lingered in my mind.perhaps it was the context, or the performance, the haunting music, the way rickman enunciated his lines as snape, perhaps it was the previous shot of Snape holding a dead lily potter in his arms crying, perhaps it was a little bit of everything.perhaps i'm just a softie.

>>>to be continue

agonizing over a really difficult decision part 2

i'm back to complete what is left...
here it goes...i've received an offer to do bio-molecule in uitm.it was something really unanticipated as i've planned to do something else.so this kinda offer made me feel depressed and it definitely is because right before i apply for my degree,i've asked all the lecturers who teaches me and having listen to all sorts they said,i knew this course is somewhat tough...in which...to put it easy...i'm not suit to it.i'm not the one who likes to take the risks and gamble my future,easily said,i put it as my last choice...it never crossed in my mind that it would finally be something which i will do for my degree...again,i've to decide.let it go means i blew away the opportunity and to someone like me who always hangsuang and lahar others...and many other things which is unexplainable,refuse to do it means no more chances for me.i'm not a bright student and my family isn't rich and of course can't afford me to study at private universities.but accepting to do it would only see another struggle of me to keep the momentum...puhleazzzz la...you guys know me very well...so for now,i'm in the decision-making process and is contemplating over this matter and my hope is high so that i can eventually being out from this pain...i thought the worst part of of thinking about this programme is about my perception toward this course.i found it always negative,far out and never good and it is very intense to the length that doing this course,i can considered myself from the very beginning that i would have no jobs after graduating...
as there is about one month left...i just hope that for every and each choice made,it will give me more benefits than the drawbacks.

agonizing over a really difficult decision part 1

i really hate it what happened right now.it seems like i was drowning into something and couldn't figure the way out.gone were all my wonderful imaginations of me doing something i really feel good at.the situation right now means that whether i choose to do or not to do,it will destroy me for sure.the demolishing processes would take into some form of pressures at the beginning(if judging from what happened at the past)...and the pressure will always come and would keep pushing because i'm forcing to do something i should not and never want to do.to matter worse,what i will learn right afterwards is not much different from what i did throughout my diploma years...and all things which i would have to study would be very particular from now,a specific one...biochemistry,cytology...just to name a few...if it happened one day that i suddenly couldn't make all these thing as it was supposed to or precisely if i get crack(well because it had always happened when i do my diploma),it could have ripped me more than i imagined it would be.it is very hard and quite tough for me but still,i try to pull up some strings and put all my efforts as best as possible and not just waiting the miracle to happen but thus far unfortunately,it still goes to no avail.up till now,i still don't quite get the rational to pursue my degree in this field...i don't know why this time i tend to oppose over most of the things...maybe everything has getting insane and me as a person who have to confront with all this things have been affected in so many ways in which me myself at some point choose to refuse rather than to accept.actually,all in all,i just want to ensure that for what it's worth,it was worth all the while.it is more about to guarantee my life at the future...
***to be continue...

my very unpredictable life...

the past that i miss, the present that i'm embracing and the future that i'm scared of

there are some bits of my past
that haunted me till today
there are a bunch of present
waiting for me to face
there are a loads of future
that i can't even find where

my past, it was a happy yet painful memories
my past, it was something i want to change yet refused to do if i have the chance

my present is a struggle that i can't keep up with
my present as much it brings me hope for future, it keeps making me looking back at past

my future as much as it seems , cloudy and dark yet the key of a happy ending
my future, as much as i look forward to it, i wish it would come slowly

having blasts at bukit raja...ngan epul

don't think anyone really understands my love for Harry Potter.

yes, i'm 22 years old.

yes, i'm a working person already and is about to do my degree

yes, i'm not a child.

i know, i know.

but i grew up watching movies. i learnt English by watching movies...and by reading books

i grew to know that love between friends is just as important as love with our family.

i grew to understand the right things to do are not always the easiest.

i learnt about the power of will.

oh gosh.. banyak la sampai nak nangis kalau i write it all up! hehe!

so when i went to bukit raja with my best friend two days ago, i had an amazing opportunity...to watch HARRY POTTER'S LAST MOVIE!

you know what...its brilliant...i wonder if i could attend harry potter's last movie premiere in london!of course it would be even more awesome...its three main characters really captured my heart during that night...

my gorgeous pixie-haired emma watson...she never looked boring to me to watch her...i wish i could actually meet her one day...and please don't forget the ginger-haired boy rupert grint.he never fail to make me laugh with his weird acting...and what touched me the most was my bebeh...daniel radclife...he's still suit to do harry potter's role even he seemed to grew a bit older than before...

easily said...it was very awesome...ooo it really is...

now...i'm proud to say that i'm one hardcore Harry Potter fan...

sekian terima kasih...

p/s:i never finished watching all harry potter's film...the same goes to all harry potter's books...

tolongla be a wise muslim

Assalamualaikum, it's been a while since i wrote on this blog. I'm truly sorry as i didn't have anything to write. =)

In this entry i would like to share my perspective and point of view in what's happen to our country (Malaysia) today. I don't know much about what really happen. But what i knew is our country will have "Perhimpunan Haram" soon .I don't want to talk who is wrong and who is right. For me, it's just another propaganda from "Them".

What is really their intention by doing this? Is it time for them to make their move to the next level? Why only Malay / Muslim who are more enthusiastic than non-muslim? Why suddenly they talk about "Murtad" ? is that really the point to make this event? or just to ignite the muslim's anger towards the goverment? Why the goverment resolve this matter with another "Perhimpunan" ? why is it not "haram" ?. Who are the mastermind of this event? What cause him/her to do such thing? Is he/she doing this in the name of Islam/Allah?

There are so many questions that we can think of. To all my brothers,sisters,fathers,mothers in muslim, my advice to you :

If u know nothing about what happens,who,when,what or anything. Please, do not assume,accused or even suspect anything. Nowadays people just relying on "Media" without proper guide (Nas and Dalil).This is what "They" want. They spread "Fitnah" to achieve Destruction, Disunity, Fear, Mind Control, Brainwashing and all of this propaganda. Return to Quran and hadith, follow our beloved prophet Muhammad S.A.W guides and Sunnah and from there, find the best solution. Remember,No matter how we struggle to win based on this "Dajjal" system, we will still lose.

of terengganu and kelantan

This is not about the final FA Cup last night because commenting and analysing a football match is not even in my radar. Congratulations to the Terengganu team! You made it to the final and won!What had made last night's match special and nostalgic was the connection between the Trengganuians and Kelantanese. To outsiders (orang luor),many of them cannot differentiate the slangs that of Terengganu and Kelantan. The undefined connection between the Kelantanese and Trengganuians can be translated in many different ways but not through the language. We speak differently except for the people living in the northern part of Terengganu, namely in Besut and Setiu who speak Kelantanese slang with very strong accent till their counterparts in the southern area (Kemaman and Dungun) cannot understand. However, most of the times, when Kelantanese and Trengganuians speak, they understand each other. And the orang luor, you just have to watch and listen. If you want to get in the boat too, prepare to be laughed at. I am still looking for the common similarities that make the Kelantanese and Trengganuians have special bonds apart from the geographical factor. It is maybe in the food. The food are extremely sweet in Kelantan. Another thing to be acknowledged by the orang luor, nasi dagang and keropok lekor are mostly come from Terengganu. They are our special cuisine but are very famous in Kelantan too. The same thing goes to nasi berlauk and nasi kerabu -they are Kelantan's but very famous in Terengganu. Nasi kerabu in Kelantan is the best with its ayam percik. If you see blue or purple-coloured rice, then it is nasi kerabu. Well, to think back, apart from the geographical factor, I must say that food is what both Trengganuians, Kelantanese and the rest of Malaysians share. Maybe because orang luor keep labelling Trengganuians and Kelantanese as the same group of people that we always find comfort with each other. Missing budu anyone?

lalalalala!!!

here i am,back to blog...it is very long since the last time i posted something here.well,i was really busy fixing and changing my life and there is a lot of things happened for the last 2 months.lots of drama and lots of unwanted stories as well.i'm now at new place,far from my family and of course,everything must be done accordingly,only then my life will not be too messed up.to put it in a more clear picture,i'm working right now.though it sounded pretty weird,considering me myself,a spoiled brat and a mentally-weak person which easily melts down under pressure,people would feel very astonish if they see me working as a waiter at the nearby restaurant.the worst of all,i never had any working experience...but what can i say...its already happened.well,the reality is,people would change and when i decided to start working,i knew,i've changed for good.thanks to sahaful for always giving me advise and always be on my side when i need your guidance.now,my life is back on the track again.as for now,i'm surviving at shah alam whilst waiting for degree.at first,i thought that it was the most downright stupid mistake when i made the decision to move to shah alam but then i knew,it was something i was destined for.i knew it happened for the reasons.i try to be positive.my working days wasn't always funtastic and fantastic,to boot,all the workers there are Bangladesh except for me.can you guys imagine it,me myself is the only malay that happened to work there...huhuhu...it was very hard especially at the beginning.back then,i felt so apprehensive,not because i'm afraid that i would be deface or something...or i'm unwillingly to cooperate with them or anything that you might think it is...especially when working with such people...i just worried that there would be many miscommunications would happened between us.gratefully,it went on a smooth ride.such a good start for me,a freshie.no problems at workplace.moving on,my life is at peace.i'm so satisfied.what matters now is mental toughness.i hope that i could hold much longer.also,i really hope that i can adjust more better and even more quicker.yeahh...go khalid!!!

it's pathetic.me,myself is still wondering how it could turn out to be the otherwise when the arrangements have been outlined properly.this time everything wasn't fall into its place.i'm quite dissapointed with what had happened.last night.right after done with my calculus 2 quiz,i decided to take some rest while doing some plannings of what i'm going to do today.it wasn't long when i remember that my money has running out and i was left with not even a cent with me right at the moment.seriously,if i do not withdraw some amount of money from the bank,i would made myself starving.so,today,i had planned that after passing up my quiz to my dear Mrs Amirah Hana,i'm going to pay a visit to the library.why it happened to be the library?it was because library has been the best place ever to gather the people.here at uitm pahang,library is known to serve its people so many things.to shorten it out,i would find some of my friends that can lend some money to help me go to the bank and do the withdrawal.unfortunately...or maybe it has been destined that way...i found no one i knew in the library...even more sad...after having some walking here and there...still,no one to be found.i didn't know what i'm going to do.to add...my stomach keep producing so many weird sounds as it was like the lunch time has come and i need to rush to the dining hall immediately even it was still 10 am in the morning...the only solution i have with me is doing some surfing on the internet...luckilly after like 2 hours wasting time tracking others blog...the sound of my stomach was reducing...so for now i think it is better to have this thing posted on my blog...it is not everytime that i could cruise throughtout such moment...gatefully...it wasn't end in disaster...

think positive...

wow...there were too much things coming in my way right now.assignments and tests were some of the things that have kept me very busy.i need to really put my effort on these 2 things because they counted almost 50 percent of my marks during the final.more importantly,the marks scored would see my pointer having some slight of an increasement and it does really help when i apply for my degree.yes it was hard...really hard because i have to face mathemathics everyday and had my brain going in a full throttle to solve the questions but thinking of its benefit which i will posses in the future,i force myself to deal with it.there are times where i want to cry and couldn't sleep but then i realized it wouldn't change anything if i acting negatively and unwillingly.i knew this emotional war of me certainly wouldn't help even a bit and if i keep behaving like this,i would end up myself with more dissapointments...for now i think i want to give myself a new spirit.let out everything.resetting the reset button of me and put myself again in a refreshing mode...i want to be a firm believer that believe to the belief of "everything would just be okay if we acted and behave the way it is".you can never go the wrong way if you do like this one...DONE!!!

Sometimes, being around people is tiring. there are times where we have to fake a smile, denies the truth and even laugh on something that is not funny at all. When we have nobody around us, we might feel left behind and alone but there are times when there are too many people around that we feel suffocated and wanted to run away. Once in awhile, being alone is the best. You don't have to consider others feeling. You don't have to mind your laugh. You can cry. You can be yourself.

But, the word 'be yourself' itself is a little confusing. I have been questioning myself for awhile. What is exactly 'being yourself' ? Each different word, act, laugh or cry? Even though it doesn't seem or sound like the 'normal' us, it still come from ourselves. So how come people can say that we are not being who we actually are?

Now, even my sentences sound weird.

To some people, they might feel that even their mother wouldn't truly understand who their sons/daughters truly are. Some parents even get fooled by their children. When loves blinds everything else, sometimes mothers and fathers can't see the reality of their children. Since I don't have the experience yet, I really can't clarify these statements.

Even as an individual, we ourselves can't understand our mind.

Since it always be like that. It would be wonderful if everyone doesn't judge people at once. Stop assuming and start understanding people.

I have always hated people who assume carelessly.

What you see doesn't mean that is the truth. Even the person agreed with a statement, doesn't mean his/her heart and mind accept it. What comes out from people mouth doesn't mean it is the answer.

So just like I say, stop assuming, take time. Then, that time, you might get to know the truth behind one's heart....

i had cracked and again it was because of math.well,to give you a more clear picture,i've just taken my first MAT 238 test tonight .realizing i'm just sitting it for the first time,i think it is best to do some preparation and try to make an analysis on the usual pattern of questions that were asked by referring to the previous paper before the test is started.for this past few days,i've spent all my time in the library studying with the main purpose,to cover and mastering all the topics that i've learned before.i've to admit,math is not my field and certainly,it would be my last choice of everything.back to the story...this time,i've to study alone for quite some time because most of my friends are so busy with their study and their personal life to worry about.to add,my repeater's friend that used to study with me also got classes to attend to and tests to sit to.so,nothing could do about it.they could be full-time with me only a day before the kick its starts,we doing some revisions and solving some sort of questions altogether.then here the test goes tonight...the important part of my life here.it was so hard.i was surprised to see apart of the question is multi-application based question.luckily that i've been able to recall all the formulas needed for the test.so its kinda a little easier to find the all the answers directly.unfortunately i only got 1 hour and 30 minute to finish the tests.the time meanwhile beating and moving faster than i ever imagined it would be.i ended up the test by not being able to check whether my answers are correct or not...its kinda sad actually because i have gave away everything i had to this test....imagine 1 week-non-stop-studying this thing...i deserve to do better things...

p/s=math memang membuatkan manusia meroyan

I am getting old. I can feel it in my bones. Since I reached my prime age of 21, I can feel myself deteriorating slowly but surely. Now at 22, everything in me is slowing down. When I was younger, I didn't have to do anything specific to keep fit. I was just naturally fit. Now, I have to freaking exercise!

Exercise, as in cardio and weights. And every time I exercise, I am reminded of the certainty of death. That state of mind will then manifest into a semi-conscious mental experience of dying. You know; weakening of nerves, blurring of vision and kapooots: darkness. Scary.

In a nutshell every time I exercise, I am reminded of the grimness of vacuum in-existence. But when I don't exercise, I can literally feel death closing in on me faster. So it is no wonder that whenever I finish a routine, I will cast a sinister look.

The thought of death is just so mind-boggling that I can't wrap my mind around it. My whole existence will cease to exist and I will feel no pain, bliss, hope, love, facebook, lust, nothing!

This concludes my thoughts after today's 2 hours exercise routine. Sekian.

tension!!!

this semester,i've vowed to myself that i wouldn't waste my time for stupid things again and only thinking about study.i really want to change.i don't want to stuck for another year in jengka.it is because it is so hard and painful.there were several challenges which i have to face earlier when i came to the university this year.well...it had expected and i didn't mind it.then,here it goes...me,myself continuing my another year of my diploma here.i need to admit that it was very unpleasant to hear everyone keep whispering about myself and to see the weird faces of the other students when they saw me or bumped into me...sometimes it can get even very annoying as it was because some of them were teasing me..there were sometimes when i was about to cry but still,i could hold myself by not bursting into tears at that moment...thank God...i started to feel better now and i have became adapted to this environment...this week,everything seem to go as what it was supposed to be.my happy feet dances madly and i couldn't agree it more that i haven't feel like this for years until i heard something...at first,i just couldn't believed what i heard...arghhh...yes,there are no big things to them but for me,it was kind of pathetic if they see me here and knowing that i'm now at part 7...it is actually not something big but it would be big because of my status...

it is...

JACK and JOE is coming!!!

they haven't been here for so long.last year i was informed that joe has been chosen to represent UiTM in royal debate.he indeed made it to senior team which is no debaters from jengka has made such history before.so it would be a big story-telling session when they came here.to put it simply,our relationship was not in the good term for quite sometimes.it was because of the debate whereas we often disagree on one another over most of the things.be it the committee of debate which has been elected or the team that has been chosen or the debate which was held,we never agree on anything that had made.the situation always go worsen every time when both of us discussing to look any ideas with another members and it ended-up that he were forced to accept whatever i think it best for the debate club.

JACK=i do not know to xplain....anything about him comprises too much stories.partly.i didn't feel i like to let her story being told to everybody.if u still want to know,dig it up by yourself

from what i can tell,both of them really got on my nerves.i feel really uncomfortable.maybe it is very much due to their position as my seniors.seemed that i've to hide somewhere to prevent them know what i'm doing right now.i've already thought about that and i think i want to stay at che sam's house or habil's room.we would see me not going anywhere for 4 days till they finally returned to shah alam...OMG...it is hard...

end with that thing....well,for now,it was the only issue that has caused me disturbance...apart from that...everything were under control...ok la...that's all

p/s:x sabar nak dgr cter joe drp bdk2 nih...

This is crap.

(no really, it is) - I didn't want to publish this but it's been so long since I've publish anything so what the heck.

Someone once told me that-

to get over writing block, you just have to start writing something.

Anything that can get the juices flowing, even if it's pure garbage.

And so I guess I need this

because as of right now

my think tank's empty. boo-hoo.

So I'm gonna go freestyle - just write whatever i want

Sketch

It's been so long since i've typed for no reason.

Maybe sometimes I want it to be so good that I forget to write

carelessly

with heart

without thinking

less cerebral

more emotional

I think that's the only way I can go

ya'know?

I've tried being disciplined and forcing myself to write

and the result was just yuck

maybe i need to mature more

as a writer

and as a person

before that can work on me

This, writing by myself

in the middle of the night

when no one is watching

except maybe the mosquitoes that are making a meal out of me

this is how writing's supposed to be

it's most real when it's spontaneous

when you just type whatever

and let it all out

without fear of

judgements or typos or punctuation marks

or whether this is boring or stupid or smart

because the best writings are about what's real, true

some that just touch you

in simple but magnificent ways

see, i stopped just there because i couldn't come up with another adjective

so anyways life-

how's mine, how's life treating me?

hmm

so far life has been typical

with its typical ups and downs

and my typical phases of accepting it

and complaining about it

over and over again

why bother getting into details?

it's always a wheel that never stops

a keynesian curve

boom/trough period that goes to infinity

it's like karma

what goes up must come down theory

which i always believe in

because i think the universe

(oh no here she goes again about the universe thingy)

because the universe will always find ways

to balance itself out

so if you're too happy

then you deserve to be too sad

and if something good happens to you

something bad will happen afterwards

it's nothing personal, i think it's just the way the world works

they give you something and they take something away from you

as an exchange

because maybe they want to remind you just how small you really are

how such a puny, annoying little human you are

and you simply can't have everything

because that's not fair

because they know that even when humans have "everything" they seem to want less, and when they have less they seem to want more

so basically there is no such thing as humans having everything

because they can never be thankful enough to see that sometimes,

they already DO have everything

stupid humans

and I'm stuck here being a stupid human who wastes her time writing crap because that's what i need right now

i need to fall in love with writing again

i need to remember how it felt meeting writing for the first time

how it feels right now being with writing

because writing needs some work and attention too

because despite how writing sometimes tortures me

writing makes me happy in ways nothing else can

They say your first love will always be perfect -until you meet your second

and it's true - funny how cliches can be so true

but so annoyingly overused and ostentatious

funny as well, how that saying can be applied to many things

My first love was drawing and now my second is writing

and writing fulfills me better now

compared to drawing

maybe it's me who's changed into a different person

and we need different things in different periods of our life

so we mix and match

drawing used to be everything to me

but now all I want to do is write

I'd be happy if i could just finish ONE of my stories

but it seems I never can.

And it's funny sometimes how

i don't even know myself

i look in the mirror and sometimes i don't recognise

that weird woman

but then sometimes i'm so sure

i'm this, this and this

and then i trip back again and wonder what the hell am I doing

slap me slap me somebody please slap me

I wonder how long this will last-

this unsureness, uncertainty

when will i finally become

me

this thing I'm supposed to be

when will i stop changing?

and arrive to that point where i just, know

you know?

Where I'm just sure of who I am?

And so i ask questions like these

knowing very well that nobody can answer them

because this quest of finding yourself

soul searching

being a person, an individual, unique

(lord knows it's hard with 6 billion other people on the planet)

is maybe something that we'll never stop doing

all our lives

and at times like these

when the nights are so still and you can see how deep the sky is

that sometimes you wish

someone was there

who would care enough

to be with you and listen

to everything you have in your mind

and not care

if you start talking crap

just because

they love you that much.

yesterday, as soon as i reached home after class and dinner, i got a call from an unknown number. the moment i heard the voice from the receiver, i knew who it was.. and i was stunned that the person even called.

it was someone i dated a while.. the relationship was not publicized since it was for a short while and we both intended to make it private. unfortunately it lasted only a few weeks. i caught him cheating on me. and that was the deal breaker for me.

so he called and we talked a little.. and in the middle of the conversation he asked me to get back together. out of nowhere. its like you ate a chocolate and suddenly theres a mint chocolate filling come bursting in your mouth, its not pleasant..

it took me off my elements for a while, but i just said one thing.. "gimme time to think about it"

when i asked him why? he said it is his new year's resolution to make things right with me.. well at least someone is acting on their reso!

as a matter of fact there were nothing to think about. he cheated on me once and he might do it again.. and i dare not take the chance..

at that very instantaneous moment i knew what my decision was..

but after that, it suddenly came to a realization what if i was suppose to give him a second chance? maybe it was destined to be.. why in hell am i still single? and at least he made the effort of calling me and wanting to work things out..

but again, the weight between the possibilities that we hold and the pain that he caused, it is just not worth it. and ill be so hypocritical of me to not practice what ive preached.

haish.. what a life.. in case any of u are still wondering (and i hope theres at least a single soul is) YES, i am still single!