not at the right state of mind

yes, i didn't really walk the talk :-(
i thought of managing myself into writing / jotting down few notes on this blog on daily basis...but it's just a mere coincidence that i didn't really have the guts to continue (and sustain..)


well...an "interesting" thing happened to me during diwali weekend.

as usual, for the past few months, i was so tied up with assignments,test,exams (i know it sounds boring...but well, yes...it's been very crazy nowadays, studying non stop...to the extend that i feel i'm speechless (and expressionless).

"he came back. yes, we didn't really have a proper relationship but i still do have feelings on him. But why it's like that famous cookie "skejap takde skejap ada?" whenever that he has problem then he'll come back to me? but this time i've also making my own vows, in which one of them is that i'll try my best to love and to be loved only by a women...hopefully it wasn't just a dream like what i did during my old days...i want it to be different....i want to change

apart from that, i got two more papers to be finished.both of them is hard and i knew it would be even more harder because my carry mark for both of that paper is not really good.so i gonna crackle my head studying all the notes and give whatever i have to excel...insya allah

grass is green..n flowers are rainbow..but human..we're dark as the black hole

LIFE IS NOT A GIVE...

what a long time to start writing again..i do need to do this more often..pretty much,i got the thing..but not the time..a new chapter of life begin lately.with a life full of kind of stupid drama.well.its what i planned for.to be stuck in a portal full with BACK-stabber and people who wont be easy on you.yes,there are people WHO love you and care but put them aside.the marginal number of FAKER are rapidly increasing lately... hey,face it..you hate me,deal with it.i wont let you step me just like that..i might be an easy guy around but sister believe me..im TOUGH-TO-handle..

i looked around to see how things going..oh no!!! alert i guess... People are being to honest about themselves lately.. i LOVE u..this pretty much what i like to say..i mean , i do like to fall in love since its fun..but to give it to a wrong person..tats crazy ryte? because i found that some people dont mind but others care too much.. to love another of your own kind wont make you gay,, please..please learn that as a lesson... its not bad to like people...ITS JUST LIKING THEmmmmmm...just don't go overboard...coz we r men n we r suppose to marry women

recently,,,i also found out that..its better to be good with a stranger..they will love you better..yes..i can confirm you that..i mean..dont pick a totally Fucking-stranger..its more like a well-build-image kinda guy..you know..the one who can be fren with... its a step to NEW friendship...

mental note.. : dont be A total LOSER by being hippo-critical about who u are., :)

what i feel from my heart

i'm back!!!

well nowadays those who read this blog may notice that i started to blog out more and more this days...it's quite peculiar as back then i only do blogging when there is something i really need to tell...but now it has change.

maybe, it was because my life was boring and i couldn't find anything to fit myself in...is it so???...

those who read this writing, i'm sure that they might say it otherwise and those who didn't even know me and suddenly bumped into this blog and read this posting, i'm sure that they would say it different or maybe, they would even say that my life is compelling....if you are that person or any kind of it then you are wrong...

actually, my life is dull, numb and it is not like what you had in mind when you saw me or befriended with me..

the question is why...

the truth is i'm unpredictable, my feeling is unpredictable, my action is unpredictable and for every and each crap which came from me, it is spontaneous. but despite all that weaknesses, i still can sense the kindness and sincerity of a person. dealing with people with such character,i found out that they are more easy to get along with in fact they always make me feel very calm each time i'm with them though some of them is actually nerd or some kind of character people are not really fond or prefer...sadly,there is only a few of them.not much.i can count them by fingers.

there and then,there is this kind of people...the character that i hated most. they are evil people.precisely,they are some kinda people that like to make other people looked stupid. they sometimes could be even more mean likes ticking off the other people all of sudden or for unacceptable reason...

if it happened that u r coincidentally read this blog one day, you might able to guess who they are.

also,of late,i became to realize something important...

we actually living in this world with certain particular desires that we want to be satisfied.maybe we lived to play,to have some friend whom we can share our problems with,study to get an A to not be shamed in class,to be strong,to chased the man or woman that you want to be the partner of your life,to be man of the match,to walk arrogantly,to wear smart clothes,stuck inside tight or baggy trousers,these might be one of the objective in your life Meaning objective here, is that things that you want at least to achieved so that you will experience your personal gratification gleefully.

...but when you have grown up, you tend to view this world differently you are more clear in outlining the purpose of you living in this world not just breathing the air,do whatever you want and that is it,nothing more to life.The way of you speaking with others,the language that you use, differed,and your intellectual thinking has been more critical.These represents that your level of maturity has increased and evolved.but we can also go into the wrong direction if we just let go what we got and never got them controlled.we have to make something useful out of it

that is what we supposed to do in life...and that is life...

apart from that as a rememberance,not only to those who will real this posting but also to myself.it is;

befriending with everyone and never degrade anyone.

I hate repeat and explain things that are so clear, twice. It makes me want to shout at your face.

oh, everything in here is random and it’s always about me, not about you.

unless you want to think it is, go ahead then but don’t look after me for explanation when i obviously have nothing to explain because it has nothing to do with you.

ok, so this is when they are too many unwanted people around you.

bestnyer kalo cam gini selalu...

today was fantastic...and funtastic...hehehe

guess what...it is because i got the chance to swim at swimming pool again.this time, we have been to Tekam resort.well..i've learned swimming with hashrik before when we were at Gambang water park,so this time its kinda easy.

Tekam resort actually is not as bad as the rumours say.even its pool is not as big as the standard pool size,we still can enjoy swimming there.

everything went so fast then.we only realized that we were already late when there was downpour of heavy rain.if not we were still playing and mingling in the water...i can bet...

the most amazing thing seeing was how azmi controlling his body to swim.he swim very fast.unlike me, my swimming is quite slow because i got problem to float my body.if i swim too fast, my leg tend to go down and if that happened,it would be very hard to move.

also not to be forgotton is the time when we jumping (me,myself and epul) simultaneously into the water. i was afraid i might drowned or something.it was because the pool was deep, it's about 1.5m but to my surprise nothing happened.i'm still able to swim right after that.many actions were showed.some of them were very weird.it's like some poses of some creatures yet at the same time we tried to maintain our beautiful figures...hahaha

now how many people could do tha

we end our day high by eating everything that we bring along...

x sabar rasanyer nak pergi lagi...

well...azmi has made promise to go there again right after the final ended

i will wait for that day to come...

see you again...

confused...

it's just a week away before the final exam...
at this time, every and each student often studying very hard so that they are able to score during the final exam.
at this time, everybody is far from calm and based on my experience during my life at hostel, at this time most of the students would force themselves to study beyond their own limit. they would doubled their work. me myself was not an exception. i also did the same thing. it was fun when i'm thinking it back and here this semester,i no longer live in the hostel.it is due to university policy that the final year students were not allowed to live in the hostel.so my friends and i rented a house not very far from our university.living outside, everything was completely different. the most obvious was i've become more lazy to study...i've started cheating a lot more in tests than before...i got zero in everything...biology, chemistry,...english...
now i'm having that exam back...but right now what i'm doing is surfing internet for hours non-stop...i'm lack of feeling to study...its like i'm just plodding along and seemed to have any worries about the final exam...
OMG...what i'm doing...but it was the thing that was told to me before i'm officially registered myself as a student in this university.most of the seniors said that final year student tend to get distracted and gradually drowned little by little when they were at their final semester.now i couldn't agree more on that thing.
one more thing...it's about xxx
to tell the truth, there are still many things to be revealed but it's enough that i focus only these 2 things
back to xxx
i didn't know what happened to our fff
xxx is trying to avoid me all times
xxx lately becoming even more ghetto than before
everthing xxx came up with,xxx came with something really painful. it really is. i can feel it or maybe xxx truly not realized or pretending not to realize...
is it xxx want to take avenge on me?
is it xxx started to feel bored being with me?
i don't know...
maybe xxx aiming for something new...
maybe xxx want to be something...
maybe xxx wants to put stop for everything that we had...
maybe xxx wants to be free...not just being controlled...well he's not controll by anyone...it is

as for now i just keep quiet and trying to adjust myself to every situation i need to even it is so peculiar and not welcoming...

all in all, it was a test by God to me.it is done not to punish me but to have had myself learn something.

after all, we are all human beings and therefore we are not perfect.but we can improve ourself to be a good person. God love those who want to improve themselves because that is a sign of not giving up easily with our own inadequacies as a human being.

i'm in the vegitative state

i know i didn't post anything for quite along time. i have purely no excuses for that. It is partly because i am a bit tired with homework, studies and tests

but, the moment i start giving excuses as mentioned above, i think that it is very alarming. it is simply because that shows you are slowly losing the multitasking skills which is very important if you plan to accomplish many things within a fixed time period.

therefore, i need to reinforce the message why I decided to become a blogger. it is because i want to improve my English ( i hope it is getting better) and more importantly i want to write well. but, how can you become a good writer when you keep posting no articles?

this might be the shortest article ever written for this blog. nevertheless, it is good to start somewhere i think.

many stories and issues i want to comment on. have no worry, i will try to get back soon.

I'm still not enough!!! PART 1...Munafik n Homo

sometimes posting only an entry making me feel SOOoo x happy coz i think that it's SOoo not enough...simply said, to satisfy myself, I would at least post 2 entrys so that when i'm back to view it, i feel satisfied...( coz 1st entry posted, I tend to carut many things)...here come the 2nd posting, i want to write something more meaningful..., 1st and foremost i would like to highlight a few things that happened in my life today...5/4/10/...hu3

1) i feel so dissapointed with myself for waking up so early but end up sleeping till noon right after I done my prayer coz last night b4 i go to bed i've promised myself to start studying something

2) i'm still not able to control my uncontrollable lust for foods even for something small like biscuits (paanyer cream crakersss) and have been crunching like people starving (so potato people) when I feel hungry

3) still carut-mencarut my friends even i've promised myself to not give a damn of what people saying and only mind my own self and if i can, trying to top it all of with zikrullah but still, it's not happened(pity to sahaful coz kena carut ngan mek...sori pul...jgn amik ati coz mek sentiasa gurau)

4) not be able to gang up with my friends to jog all around campus due to my long lasting tiredness that showed no signs of stop (malas)...

Okay done with my dissapointments...

what's next???

adding on continue...i would like to quote something that is still a little shock to me and my closest friends the moment we overheard about this thing just a few days ago...we kept the secret firmly and guess what?... it has been aggravated again today...that is to be true it's about homothing...hu3...i'm so shivering.

i know that it was very embarassing to have seen something related with homo... especially with our very own-naked eye but does it more embarassing if we took step sharing this thing with someone else...it's like we too involved with this confusion gender and contributed to their development.plus, we just make them get more bigger...malu gler pihak yang terlibat...while to the person who telling this, they would not feel any guilty (you SHOULD NOT if you told the responsible parties) because they thought they were like innocent to unfold such a hidden truth. actually, they are NOTTTT. you just made it more worse. sementelah you too do something dark at the behind, why not you take step to get yourself straight first...ni tidak, pecah rahsia sana...pecah rahsia sini...you have pressured everybody...adoiii....

alamak...dah emo dah...nantila ek sambung blk

To my beloved mama

That you are all that i need
For you, I give my soul to keep
You see me, love me
Just the way i am
For you i am a better man
I said you are the reason
For everything i do
I'd be lost, so lost without you

i know i've made it clear any posting of song lyrics is stupid and all, but i feel i have to make an exception. having some time to reflect on my 21 years of existence, i feel that one person we don't appreciate enough is our mothers. we bitch and whine bout our partners, our stupid studies, our boredom and all. but are those all really that important? they would walk to the end of the earth for us. they would forgo enough sleep and rest to ensure we get the best care in the world. they set aside their career's and personal ambition so that they can devote their time to us. they ignore family conflicts and self happiness so that we grow up with more than enough love but do we appreciate them in the same way? i realized i didnt. for everything my mom has done for me, i feel i treat her unfairly and unjustly. boyfriends, friends, personal happiness. all that has been given importance over showing appreciation to the person who has guided me all this while. and to think her time on this earth won't last forever. some of us forget that fact. i can't imagine life without my favourite girl. she is my rock, my biggest fan, my everything. so from one loving son, i love you mama. i'm sorry for all that i've put you through. you deserve the best, and that will be my oath to you, for the rest of my life. i will care for you, ensure you get a lifetime supply of cats to make you happy, and buy that beautiful bungalow you always wanted. its the least i can do.

abih gak tulis akhirnyer

two more weeks to go before final exam starts. gosh. means I only have two more weeks to enjoy my campus life in here. what's next? going to debate tournaments (Arau open, pisza etc..), verangan and doing totally noting at home or looking for something that can give me money? second option sound so great and in fact that is thing I would always look up right after the final exam ended...best gler sial...when i'm at home, i just eat and sleep and...do stuff. tp lama2 pon boring gak...so if you happen to be in Kelantan, jom lepak and pekena something. mesti best giler...cuma problemnyer skang cuti lambat lagi. in that period of time...besides study...what am i going to do...pikir2.still have times. okay back to the present...me still thinking what I'm going to type...gotcha!!!...let me tell every and each of you sal satu mendalah yang baru je berlaku td. kaedahnyer pg td, me, puleh and fazli went to Temerloh to look for shoes, jeans etc. after a very lahar walking to shops and boutiques which is not sooo by distance to each other plus the options that was LAHAR, we then decided to go to Mentakab...sesampai je Mentakab, we were welcomed by heavy rain that last not long and a fact that Mentakab is not much difference than Temerloh...indeed Mentakab got it much worse to still keeping many old buildings in which for me...all of them actually don't have any means or historical something...so ngan nyesalnyer we all walk and walk and walk to nowhere that at last, we found something that can be proud of...it's a complete-sungei weng-liked boutique cam kt bb tu...tp sayangnyer it was just external appearances that what have been put inside is exactly not the same as what we have looked on the outside....mek sangat la marah...perjalanan diteruskan hinggalah mek sempat snap 1 seluar cantik ni...nanti mek upload gambar seluar tu...okay forget that coz the focus is on this one...actually I've met one guy in the middle of the way...ms jalan2...this guy is very sexy cam edison chen or to be more exact he's like jerry...mek suke sgt...ANDDDDDD suddenly my momentos with jerry back to back terflashed non-stop depan mata mek...mek nangis n found it very tired...hingus mek dah bercucuran...mek hide it from puleh and fazley and mek berjaya...
to be honest with you, my readers, Jerry is my boyfriend.my relationship with Jerry lately is getting stagnant. flat. mendatar. langsung tiada turun naik. no mess. no fuss. and no argument at all.

jadi, kami hidup aman bahagia?

tidak juga. kerana hati mek kata, mek tidak gembira. kerana pada masa yang sama, hubungan kami sudah mula hilang bunga-bunga cinta. sudah mula malap percik-percik asmaranya. tiada lagi bisik-bisik manja antara kami. kami sudah jarang ketawa bersama. i myself no longer enjoy Jerry as my partner. pendek kata, hubungan kami bukan setakat mendatar, tetapi turut hilang keintimannya.

tulis seorang pakar motivasi, Jackie Woods di dalam satu artikelnya, "a relationship that grows stagnant is in real trouble".

mula-mula, mek 'hade haku kesah?!'

however he actually did makes me think deeply.ni mek sempat highlight severe statements drp artikel tu

I started to realize, I'm growing tired and sick of sleeping next to a man who is sleeping a foot apart from me instead of working on his relationship with me. A man who often pretended to fall asleep everytime I seduced him with several sex tricks. A man who said no word, not even any single word when I wanted to discuss the issue. And guess what? He kept denying his problem and said i love uuuuu..tp mek rs jerry tkderla sampai gini

"Grow up la nok! It's time for you to move on" kata seorang sahabat, FD.

masih terngiang-ngiang di telinga mek suara nyaring mak hayamnya itu (keji ko! sempat carut mek kata mek bodoh kan!!).

membaca artikel Tim Connor sedikit sebanyak menguatkan semangat mek. i would like to quote some sentences from Tim Connor sekali lagi, "There are moments in life when love is easy and there are also difficult times when you have to reach deep inside yourself to love those that may not seem worthy. You can solve your problems, but it will take effort, patience and a lot of love if you want to succeed"

membina sesebuah hubungan memang mudah. kita boleh jatuh cinta dengan mudah. semudah ABC. kerana memang tabii manusia itu sendiri yang ingin menyayangi dan disayangi. but when it comes to maintenance, itu yang payah. mek rasa, mengekalkan momentum cinta dalam perhubungan adalah cabaran sebenar dunia cinta.

terfikir juga sekali sekala bagaimanalah Laila dan Majnun mengharungi rumah tangga mereka jika mereka dibenarkan bersama. atau kekalkah cinta sejati Rumi dan Juli andai hayat mereka masih dikandung badan. entah-entah, setelah 5 tahun bersama, pinggan mangkuk berterbangan menjadi senjata perang? hurm..

mek akhiri entry first mek ini dengan satu soalan untuk anda semua, is love all that matters, or is there more to have a successful relationships?

nota kaki bercagu : FD, mek memang ingin move on. seperti yang FD nasihatkan. move on, and grow up and go to the next level. tetapi mek tidak ingin bergerak sendiri. mek ingin melakukannya bersama dengan Jerry (well, itu yang mek rasa, so far).